Defeated

I've been trying to blog more about topics lately, but tonight I just can't. So this is one of those self-indulgent, all about me posts. Deal with it.

It's been a rough couple of weeks at work. Okay, to be honest, there have been a few nights I feel so defeated I come home in tears. It's not that my work has changed, or that it's gotten harder. I still have the same job--to recruit kids for an education and vocational training program. Only right now there are no kids. I've been working my butt off, doing outreach to schools, organizations, etc., and the well is dry. Meanwhile, my coworker who doesn't do outreach because she has a bunch of supervisory duties, has an avalanche of kids calling her. It sucks.

And frankly, I've never felt this bad at a job. It probably sounds snotty and arrogant, and frankly I don't care right now, but I've always been good at my job. Maybe not excellent, but good. And I have never thought about the possibility of being fired from a job. Not that I'm at that stage yet, hopefully, but it feels like it is a distinct possibility. I've started wondering if they would take me back at Schmells Bargo.

Just as I have been feeling like the least competent employee, my boss has decided to send weekly team reports, so we can see who the current "rock star" is. Guess who it's not this month? That's right, it's me! Everyone else has bunches of kids who are wanting to go. When I look at the list I've gotten mean, hoping that everybody else's kids drop out or get kicked out of the program right away for drugs or something. I hate that...I know it's only because I'm fiercely competitive and hate being at the bottom.

Writing about it helps, so if you've read this big whine all the way through, thanks.