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Ambiguity

Tomorrow morning I will walk into a new school, and be immediately expected to take over a caseload of 69 kids. And none of that really scares me. Let me tell you what does. I. Hate. Ambiguity.

Sure 69 kids is a ton. And yes, I don't have a lot of experience planning or implementing therapy. But there are a lot of other things I really suck at that make this feel overwhelming. Such as:

• Not being in control. I hate more than anything feeling out of control of a situation. It puts me on edge, and in most cases I will do whatever I can to be back in control. In this situation that is not an option.
• Not having time to plan. I feel confident I can handle most any situation (excluding sports of course) with adequate planning time. In this case it will be walk into the school at 7:30, and be expected to see kids starting at 8. Which of course is not going to happen, but if this were going my way, I'd have at least a week to plan so that I knew exactly what would happen on my first day.
• Lack of logistics. I'm not sure why, but since I was a kid I have wanted to know logistics. I remember my freshman year of high school on the first day my biggest concern was which door to use. Tomorrow it's the same--where do I go when I get there, where is the kitchen/lounge? How will I find my way around school? Where is my room? Do I even have a room?
  
  

So yeah, this week will be interesting. And after tomorrow I will likely feel less overwhelmed. Don't get me wrong, I am excited. Subbing and getting paid for it as part of my internship is amazing and doesn't happen very often. And I'm sure this is good for me too, having to stretch. And, if the day goes awfully, horribly wrong, there will be a nice gin and tonic waiting for me at home.

the new rules

I decided a few days ago I need to write. And I need to not care what other people think, to not write with them in mind. So, we shall see how it goes.

Evening Thanks

It's the first really nice day in South Dakota, and after ending a great day with a great beer, I stepped outside for a bit. In fact, I wore my pajamas and hideous yellow crocs out on the patio to sit a bit and appreciate the night. And randomness came to my mind, random things I was thankful for. And what better place to write randomness than on a blog? Of course. So I thought about how thankful I was for the minute sounds you can hear at night...for the crack of twigs, the neighbor closing a door, the squeak of an unidentified bug or bat, the ability to lateralize and localize those sounds, the pines towering over the yard, for how long the pines have been towering...there is just. so. much. to. be. thankful. for.

Read This

Book #14 of the year, Crooked Letter, Crooked Letter, was a spring break favorite. A little Flannery O'Connor, a little mystery, and a lot interesting. Read it.

The Tsunami

I finished up the previous post, still very relaxed from 3 glasses of rioja, and got ready for bed. I read through my RSS feed as I drank a few bottles of water to rehydrate, and as I turned off the TV to go to sleep, my dad called and said there had been anearthquake and a possible tsunami.

Now, if you know my dad you know he doesn't always listen to the details...so I didn't really think much of it. But, a quick search of the googles and I knew he was right. Our hotel was directly on the beach on Waikiki, and another quick search showed we were in the tsunami inundation zone. I didn't know what to think...I had watched last February when the tsunami was nothing but a few big waves on the beach, but I had also

seen footage of the Indonesian tsunami. Actually, the think that instant

ly came to mind was Nate from Oprah telling his story about losing his partner in the tsunami. Not sure why that stuck out, but it did.

The hour or two after hearing about the tsunami was cha

otic. My dad said he was packing so I followed suit. He was on the phone with the airline, deciding if we should stay or go. Eventually, after hearing th

e area would be shut down, we decided to go. We drove to the

airport, which seemed to be opene

d, and tried to get a hotel room. All of the hotels at the airport were full. We drove around for a while, eventually making the decision we were best off back at the hotel.

Civil defense sirens had been blaring hourly since about 10 PM, and as we drove back into Waikiki around 1:45 AM, cops were on the street making lo

udspe

aker announcements to clear the streets. We made our way back to the 14th floor, littered with refugees from lower floors curled up with their comforters in the hallway. I knew we were going to try to fly out around 6 AM, so I tried to get some sleep until the event started. It was diffic

ult because every 15 minutes or so the hotel made annou

ncements over an intercom system...I had no idea the intercom even existed.

Around 3 AM I got up and went out on the balcony. It was ca

lm, and lots of people were on their balconies watching. There were a few helicopters in the sky, beaming light down on Waikiki. I'm not sure if the were sweeping the beach for people or checking out the surf. At one point four or five people from a

hotel down the way got in the water, but as soon as the helicopter appeared they got out again.

The event itself wasn't really that dramatic, although it was interesting. You could see the water receding, being drawn out by some unseen force. When it came back it sounded like a freight train, but the waves didn't come up too high. I watched this hap

pen a few times, the water turning foamy near the shore, but other than the receding and waves coming back, it was really a nonevent on Waikiki. Which was great. Around 4 I went back to sleep, and by 5:30 we left for the airport.

The pictures aren't great, taken in the dark of night with a camera phone, but they do show a bit of the strangeness of the ocean, and the helicopters flying around.

Gotta Say...

Gotta say...despite the cold I have I just enjoyed an a.m.a.z.i.n.g. dinner at The Beachhouse at the Moana. I am clinging to a piece of research I read that says that moderate exercise during a cold helps to shorten the duration, so I spent 30 minutes or so on the elliptical today hoping that I would be able to better enjoy the last few days I have in Waikiki...

and enjoy I did. The appetizer was a bowl of Maui onion soup which I shared with my mom, and for mains a filet mignon (again, shared with my mom) which was cooked per.fect.ly. Sides were parmesan mashed potatoes and garlic butter/cayenne fresh corn. Mmm.mmm.mmm. Along side...a few glasses of an outstanding rioja. And for dessert? Yep...rum creme brulee. delish.

And the atmosphere...grand. A banyan tree in the courtyard, uplit, music....a beautiful dinner.

Sick.

Ick. I hate being sick...especially on vacation. My mom has had what sounds like whooping cough (it's not) the whole time we've been here, and I finally caught a bug. I can't complain too much though because there's no better time to be sick than when you have absolutely nothing to do.

So, the plan is to wait it out on the beach. I drove around the eastern part of Oahu yesterday, and have been toying with the idea of making it to Pearl Harbor at some point, but today the idea of sitting on a chair and maybe reading is winning out due to said cold.

On Tuesday I sat on my chair and finished book #13, The Oracle of Stamboul. I really enjoyed it...there was kind of an ominous feel as though the protagonist could fall into danger in any number of ways at any moment, but it never happened. I would highly recommend it. I'm not sure what today's reading adventure will be yet.

Beach Books

I continued Books 10 and 11 today (Greg Boyd where have you been all my life? and um, Jay-Z, boooooring), and read #12, Michael Pollan's Food Rules. It's short, and if you've read his other books, repetitive. Not a bad reminder though.

I am writing this post from my balcony in Honolulu, and I could not be more grateful to be here right now. It's lightly raining this morning, but I have coffee, the air is warm, and the scenery gorgeous. I'm here solely due to my parents' generosity, and loving every second of it.

As I mentioned in the previous post, nothing went quite as planned yesterday, but it all turned out to be good. I woke up late, my flights were delayed, but I still made it and with little chaos (save the man behind me who thought I should not recline my seat and SHOVED it up when I did).

I also got some reading done. I finished Book #8, Super Sad True Love Story. I enjoyed it. It's futuristic, and somewhat depressing, but the main characters have something just quirky enough about them that they're loveable. I can't say it's my favorite ever though, and did take me a while to wade through reading bits and pieces here and there.

Book #9 was read on my LAX to HNL flight, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. If you've watched any media at all you've heard about it. And I have to say, I think Amy Chua might be on to something. Not entirely, but at least in part. Why not assume strength and instill discipline in children? She certainly makes some glaring mistakes, but it seemed like an honest struggle on her part.

I started books #10 and #11, which couldn't really be more opposite. #10 is Greg Boyd's Present Perfect: Finding God in the Now, and #11 is Jay-Z's Decoded. Greg Boyd is definitely a better writer than Jay-Z, but I think I'll stick through Decoded, despite it being somewhat boring so far.

I have quite a few books with me (I will be protecting my Kindle from water with my life on this trip!), and am hoping to finish a few more while I'm here.

It's 6:45 and I'm an hour late...

So, I get kinda paranoid the night before I fly anywhere. I usually have a hard time getting to sleep, and wake up every couple of hours to make sure I really did set the alarm clock for the right time.

It was during one of those panics last night that I realized my alarm clock was flashing 12:00 AM. No good. It took me a minute to figure out what was going on, and I realized that the door to the battery compartment was missing, and the batteries were falling out. I shoved them back in and in the fog of sleep tried to figure out what to do next...turn the light on. Look at my watch. Try to remember how to set the time. The clock is atomic and given enough time usually sets itself, so I hadn't had to reset it for a while.

I glanced at my watch and saw that it was almost exactly 12:00 AM, so I set the clock for that, the alarm for 5:40, and went back to sleep.

And then I woke up...and the light in my entryway was on. It doesn't go on until 6:15 AM, the time when I had been planning to leave the house...yikes.

Long story short, I was late. My friend Jenni had been trying to contact me for about 20 minutes as she waited on my driveway, but I keep my phone in the living room so it doesn't wake me up, and somehow slept through the doorbell.

Thankfully I overplan so I had plenty of time and made it to the airport and through security to my gate by 7:10 for my 8:05 flight.

YES

In the midst of a chaotic week, I have managed to fit in 5 workouts, for a total of 3 hours and 45 minutes of exercise. I've even gotten up consistently at 6:15 to make it happen. And yes, I am pretty darn proud of myself right now.

So sad...

So yesterday I was giving a kid a language test. In the test you say "Tell me what ____ means." One of the words was "poor," so I asked the kid "Tell me what poor means," and he said "It means...um, that sometimes, at school....the kids....sometimes the kids at school don't wanna play with me."

It broke my heart.

Job

So one of the things I decided to do in 2011 is read through the entire Bible in a year. And I have to say, I was very thankful for Feb. 1st because I'm following a chronological reading plan and on Feb. 1st I started reading Exodus.

Although it's about oppression and deliverance, Exodus feels like rainbows and puppy dogs after reading the book of Job for the last half of January. And I have to say, I was genuinely confused with Job. It was depressing, but I am not sure I really understand it. Like who was right in what they were saying--Job? His friends? Neither? I have no idea.

Pandas Are On Sale at the Zoo

I came down with a cold one week into the semester. This is not good. I am attributing it, although indirectly, to working out. :) I decided that in order to make working out happen consistently, I should switch it to mornings. So I got up earlier all week. The only problem was I didn't get to bed and earlier, and just ended up sleep deprived.

Along with the sleep deprivation, it was a busy week. I got overwhelmed on Tuesday, which is a little early in the week to be overwhelmed, but Thursday was our first day of clinic. It went well! I started with 2 of my clients, mostly just getting to know them. One of my kiddos did tell me how he bought a panda at the zoo (on sale!) and keeps it at home in his bed. That was pretty awesome.

Somehow, before the craziness of the semester started I was able to finish Book #7 of the year, City of Tranquil Light. It was good, engaging, but not earth-shattering. If you're into books about far off places and very sincere missionaries, I'd recommend it.

Seriously....

Ah, so ready for this day to be over. I am officially overwhelmed. I kept looking at this week on my calendar, and knew I would be overwhelmed. I kept looking at the space between Tuesday and Thursday, knowing I would get my clinic assignments on Tuesday and see kids on Thursday. All the staring at the calendar didn't help...

I made a decision at Christmas to not be overcome by trying to control things. So maybe this is a chance to work on that. All I know is that I'll be much happier 2 or 3 weeks from now when everything is underway.

It Begins

I think right now I am equal parts excited, terrified, and motivated. We start clinic this week, which means I'll be treating my very first clients all by myself. The terrifying part is I'll look at their files tomorrow, and likely see them on Thursday. Oh, and there's school and a church meeting and some other obligations...nothing like a full week.

Although, maybe it's good for me that I have limited time. When I'm starting something new and don't know how it's going to go, I overprepare. Every first day of school as a teacher had me spending hours on lesson plans, materials, etc., probably more than necessary. Having a limited amount of time freaks me out, but maybe it's a blessing in disguise.

Maybe because I didn't have enough going on, or because I know I NEED to fit it in this week, I've decided to move my exercising to the morning. Which means I'm feeling a little sleep deprived today, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Day 1, Semester 4

Today was the first day of my fourth semester as a graduate student in a speech language pathology program, and it was great. Last semester was...well, horrible. But if today is any indication, this semester is much more promising.

Today I have 2 of my 3 classes, Indian Education and Advanced Language Disorders. The Indian Ed. professor is kind of out there with his teaching style, so that could be interesting. He also isn't making me do any extra work even though I'm taking the class for graduate credit. He just said he expects me to take a leadership role. That's it? Done and done.

Advanced Language Disorders also sounds promising--we're going to cover literacy, adolescent language disorders, and autism spectrum disorders, all things I'm interested in.

Next week I'll start my Neuromotor Disorders class, and have a meeting about clinic. I'm so happy that I'm actually looking forward to things right now. I hope the interest sticks.

Prayer

Sometimes it takes my breath away to see how much pain people have to endure. And there are situations neither you nor anyone else can do anything about. Something happened like that today. Not something I can or want to share publicly, but something I feel the need to acknowledge. And when these things happen, although it doesn't change the events, I've found praying some of the prayers that people have prayed throughout the centuries helps. Today I've been praying this one from the Book of Common Prayer:

O merciful Father, who hast taught us in thy holy Word that
thou dost not willingly afflict or grieve the children of men:
Look with pity upon the sorrows of thy servant for whom
our prayers are offered. Remember him, O Lord, in mercy,
nourish his soul with patience, comfort him with a sense of
thy goodness, lift up thy countenance upon him, and give
him peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Chocolate stout in all its glory

There is a beef roast with Rogue chocolate stout in the crockpot right now, smelling delicious. I didn't want to waste the rest of the bottle, and it's a little early for me to be drinking the stuff, so I'm trying these brownies too. They are currently baking in the oven, and if the batter left in the bowl is any indication, they might turn out to be delicious too.

I also reordered cable this morning. It's been nearly a year and a half since I canceled my cable, and I'm ready to have it back. I miss it. And, I think after going without it for quite a while, I will watch it a bit differently than I did before. I'm used to long stretches of silence, and actually really appreciate them. What I am looking forward to is watching some of my favorite shows when everyone else does, and having more options for working out at home (Fit TV), and having more options for watching when I'm on the bike trainer. And reality shows. Of course. :)